Football for Dummies

I don't really like football all that much. But I was in the band in high school, so I watched every game for 4 years. And so in college, I decided not to do band. Too much football and too much time. But then God, being the funny God that he is, sent a really cute football player into my world in September of my sophomore year. So I went to every game for the next 5 years. And what do you suppose he chose as his profession? Yup. He's a coach. So I've learned to watch games.
I could be wrong, but I'm figuring that there are women out there (to be p.c. I'll say 'people') who may benefit from my self-taught expertise on how to watch a game. So here's what's going through my head during the last part (I can't really remember when I started watching - I started and stopped a lot of times) of the BCS Ohio/UT game.
Score's close. UT's winning. Everyone's still excited, so the game must not be over just yet. Hmm. And the weather must be nice. Lots of people in short sleeves. I'm a little jealous.
Why do the Ohio State players have [illegal substance] stickers all over their helmets? Aha. Did you know that a "buckeye" is the state tree of Ohio and that its leaves are comprised of five leaflets each? Now you do. If it weren't for wikipedia, I might have been persuaded to believe that the university was using the Tostitos Bowl to push a "medicinal purposes" campaign on unsuspecting viewers. Wait. Maybe it's a grasshopper. What the heck IS that on their helmets?!?
Why is that guy wearing a Mr. Potato Head mustache? Does he think he looks cool? Because he doesn't. How did he get it there? Superglue? I'll bet tomorrow he has a Mr. Potato Head-shaped red spot right below his nose. Dumb choice.
Anyone else hungry for some tortilla chips and queso? Too bad I'm already in pjs and live in a town where the local market closed an hour and a half ago.
Maybe it's a green molecule or atom or something. Wonder if the players put them on the helmet themselves. I'll bet their backpacks and sock drawers aren't so neatly organized. Maybe the trainers did it for them.
How did they pick blue to show the line of scrimmage? Why not read? Or orange? And the other line - the yellow one. And how do they do that? It covers everything on the ground and nothing above it. Not even shoelaces. Amazing.
Wow. Her glasses are HORRIBLE. Burnt orange vertical rectangle lenses and burnt orange glittery cardboard horns across the top. Dedicated fan.
That guy's going to lose his arm if he doesn't take the rubber band off. Too tight.
Man, oh, man. Who has to try to get out all those horrible grass stains? SOOOOOOO glad it's not me. I don't even try anymore. I've decided that a perk of getting all my kids' clothes on the clearance racks at Target is that I can feel free to let the stains stay until there are so many that I can just call the clothes "junky clothes," which at our house means you can wear them to do art, wash cars, or help Daddy with any of his projects. Wonder what kind of Stain Stick UT uses.
Wow - great catch, Quan! I know I couldn't do that, or what all those other fellas were doing, either. I've never understood how people get the courage to just fling their bodies at the ground like that, and then get back up and do it again, over and over, just because.
Whew. Game over. I'm exhausted. Good game. Good game.
And that, my friends, is how you watch a football game. You're welcome.